can't believe after all this reconnecting I did here...all those years ago...before myspace, facebook, all that other junk...I feel like I'm neglecting good ole lj!

well, here's an update. I am now dating someone new. nichols pointed out that I move fast. hehe. that's such a funny thought. but yeah, the other thing wrapped up...we had the "breakup dinner" and such. went fine, good closure, cried a little (but hey - that's who I AM!), woke up the next day feeling ok and started moving on.

so about the moving on. uh-oh people. I hate to even jinx it. I'm not going to be able to help talking about it though. there is potential for...a REAL boyfriend here. I'm not fucking around on this one. like an actual "pick me up for dates" boyfriend. a "brings me home-made lunch at work" boyfriend. An "I could totally introduce this person to every one of my friends and family without fear of judgement" boyfriend. an "I pay all my own bills and have my own place and my own bank account" boyfriend. and did I mention he's cute?

that's all you get for now. let's collectively cross our fingers here. isn't it about time I just had a real, mellow, satisfying dating situation? I think so.

in other news, teaching my second semester is going well. so well. regan is going to start spending one additional night with her dad per week on a trial basis. we will see how that plays out. I'm still absolutely loving rollerderby and had derby dreams all night last night. money's tight, but in this economy I suddenly feel less alone in that department. had a couple of thoughts on 2009 - drama free...and better living through pharmaceuticals. so far, so good. looking forward to directing the spring show at uws. auditions the 2nd week of march. after a 7 year directing hiatus, it's long overdue.

off to do more laundry. did anyone ever mention that with 2 girly kids I'd have 700 loads of clothes per week? didn't think so.

xo and xo and xo

k

the girls and I have been sitting around playing with their christmas presents. Pixos are just the new version of Aquadots! much more fancy set-up though.

I need to do a lot of laundry. a lot. seriously. a shit ton. gah.

we have yoga at 3:15. so there's that. then I have to unclog the main toilet that the girls stuffed up with excess toilet paper. ah the life of a mother. the joy. the sheer joy.

and even though I had a fun weekend and stuff, today I'm a little messed up over the missing boy. he apparently has things of his own that need figuring out, or something. I don't even know - see. that's the worst part. I don't even know. I just know that this morning I had a good memory of time we'd spent together and it made me sad.

I went with jeremy and nicole to their neighbors last night and played the new Cranium. it was really fun. would you have beleived a few years back that jeremy and I would be hanging out together socially? funny world, this is.

and I have some work friends now - namely, the librarian. we went to cars & trucks on friday. it was a whole bunch of fun.

and Quinn is selling girl scout cookies. she's singing make new friends but keep the old. it's funny. when did my kid get so old?

this is probably the most disjointed post ever. it's reflective of my state of mind.

xo
k

I found one I like a whole bunch under the tab she suggested...

http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/index.php?option=com_marketplace&page=show_ad&catid=11&adid=13129&Itemid=26

I can think of many things I could contribute to this site.

xo
k

I am going to have no stressful things happen in 2009.

there, that was easy.

k

I've been having the strangest dreams

2 nights in a row I had drug dreams. the first the drug user was someone I regularly spend time with and it was gross drugs and it was very upsetting. the second dream involved me being so incredibly high that I couldn't do much of anything. I couldn't make my body do what I wanted it to and I was so frustrated.

last night I had a dream that I was at my house with the boy. it was morning and we heard screaming from the street. we went to the window to see all these people out there looking up. so we went out and looked into the sky and there was this one spot where it was so bright and there was lightning in it. lots and lots of lightning. otherwise the sky and the air and the world were calm and it was strangely warm for december.

I think I should be having this stuff analyzed.

in other news I got a free pedicure at work today. my feet feel good :)

k

yesterday I got to hold a 2 day old baby for like an hour. talk about heaven. my babysitter and former cousin-in-law briana gave birth to the lovely mr. greyson james and WOW, what a cutie. of course I immediately started bawling the minute I held him. if you know me, you know I have the mad, mad baby love. beyond that, you know one more thing I've been trying to face over this last year is the possibility of not having any more kids. something I never thought I'd be thinking about. I just always assumed I'd have another. so that makes it a little hard. but seeing briana and her family and all that happiness...well it's just lovely to be a part of.

these are the kinds of good moments I don't want to miss.
k

oh, olive.
k

I won the ramen noodle cook-off at work today. so there's that. it was judged by our students. thanks to anna for her delicious welfare-friendly cheesy ramen recipe.

xoxo
k

yesterday the city shut off my water because I owed them under $200 TOTAL. yep. they totally did. I was napping on the couch between 4 and 5pm and when I woke up, it was off. they literally came to my house while I slept and turned that shit off. so then I call at 5pm and I say, "oh for god's sake, I have the money - I can pay you over debit card right now." and you know what he says? "that's too bad. I can't take a payment and nobody will come to turn you on until tomorrow or the next day."

yep. that totally happened.

now, I'm not saying a person shouldn't pay their bills on time. and the worst part is, I certainly had the money in my account. with all that's been going on with me, I'd simply spaced it. and I had received a notice awhile back and paid the amount on it so it wouldn't get suspended - but apparently a new bill has now printed - which I've yet to receive. I told the guy I didn't get another notice of termination. his response? "they don't need to send you a notice, you should just pay it on time." WOW! don't come turn off someone's water then refuse to give it back for 24-48 hours. that's just ridiculous. also, is $130 worth turning someone off over? just asking. man. I get so pissed sometimes. it's a good thing my kids are young.

life is definitely fucking with me.

there had better be water in abundance when I get home!

k

so, as I've posted some of in the past - I keep having these little moments of clarity. they just keep coming, slowly but surely. I feel like I'm coming out of a coma.

so today I started to cry at my desk. as I'm doing again while I'm typing. I can't stop, really.

you see, I've been losing time again. whole bits and chunks. just...missing. this only ever happened during one time period before. it was when I was first finding out I was getting divorced. and my therapist said sometimes the stress gets to be so much, your mind just lapses, and not always about the stressful things either. just random stuff. it disappears. it's so frustrating and embarrassing. it's like I'm afraid to talk to people because I can't always remember what I've said and to whom.

also, I stopped balancing my checkbook like 2 months ago. I stopped grocery shopping. we've just been eating take-out or quick food or whatever. but if you know me you know two things at the very least - 1) I balance my checkbook against my online banking every day - sometimes more than once and 2) cooking is the one thing that makes me feel completely zen.

and so last night I decided to cook for the man with whom I've been spending time. I put my kids to bed and I just started cooking. Nothing super labor intensive or anything...but I was all by myself in my kitchen, just doing it. and we ate, and it was good. then I forgot something, and that sucked. just took it right out of me. it's like a feeling of...shame.

and today I think I'm ready to say...after all the time I've spent pretending I'm ok and I'm holding up with all this year has brought, I haven't been ok. I have been scared and frustrated and lonely and mad. it's hard to balance all this. work and life and no support. no more partner and no family here now that I don't have his. and because I wanted to be a strong chick and a strong mom I just tried to keep moving. and yes, I felt pain along the way, but I never really allowed myself to acknowledge it to other people. so here's my first attempt - an open post on a freakin livejournal, because now that I've figured it out, I'm ok with everyone else knowing too.

all these tears coming out I feel like the stress is bubbling out of my eyes and taking the pressure off my brain. and now maybe I can get my thoughts back. It's been 15 months since this all began. I want my thoughts back. then maybe I can focus on all the good stuff that's happening around me.

one of my favorite text messages I've ever received said "It's bootcamp, gorgeous. Rope ladder." I've saved that in my phone for a very long time. It's true. This is quite the process. A lot of unraveling. I'm one revelation closer to ok.

there's a lot else going on, but I'm pretty sure this deserved its own post.
xoxo
k